Since having Sophie, I've been struggling with something rather weird...paranoia and dark,twisty thoughts. To put it bluntly, I'm scared alot. Visions of me getting raped, or our house being robbed, or my kids being harmed seem to plague me throughout the day. I'm not sure why this is happening...perhaps some weird hormone or strain of PPD? I don't know...but it needs to stop. I'm tired of feeling this way.
The thing is...I know I'm not crazy. I'm not psycho and not in danger of hurting myself or others around me. I'm not depressed or emotional...but my mind is just so open to these horrible thoughts! They are not from God...they are right from His enemy.
I heard something so great today at my moms group. A woman, who was struggling with similar problems, would vocally rebuke the voice of the enemy by saying, "I only respond to the voice of my Father". WOW. I was blown away. I was so inspired and so ready to not think the way I have been, that I'm putting it into practice immediately...what a great lesson for us though right? I mean, how often are our minds just filled with a spiritual battle. What voice wins the most? I'm so happy to know that God would not fill my mind with worries, doubts or fears...and now I can proudly call out to Him and rebuke His enemies...
I only respond to the voice of my Father...I only respond to the voice of my Savior...my Master...my Jesus!
Thank you Lord for this comfort today!
Psalms Week 1 : An Introduction
3 years ago
That is awesome that you are comforted by God...but there also is the another part. That sounds exactly like the PPD I had. I would have never harmed anyone either...but the thoughts...the depression or exhaustion. Many people told me it was the devil or that I needed to have a better relationship with God. While that is all good- it was not true.
ReplyDeletePPD or hormones or exhaustion causes the body to do this stuff. It is natural how are body can go out of whack. I did find contemplating Jesus and peace took the edge off..however sometimes more help is needed. Either in the form of short counselling, meds, or just general support by reading books about how the brain works in this situation.
I feel for you. The thoughts come at random. It is not you. It is not your fault. it is not you needing more willpower to fight the devil. it is not you "just believing a bit more!" You are a believer. A beloved of God. Thinking the other way just makes you put more pressure on yourself, which turns into the stress hormone which triggers the receptors in your brain to produce more of the anxiety induced hormone, which triggers lack of sleep, which triggers these thoughts.
Believe me I know. I was not psycho either...nor is anyone else who goes through this. People use too many stigmas. P had to hide the knives because I was afraid of them...or my capability...But what I learned in counselling that if I am afraid of using them...I won't.
Believe me- learning how it all works makes you feel like ,"Ok this is almost a textbook case. Thousands of other women have secretly fought this battle. Those who did not get help- well , some did go psycho after years and years in the olden days. But for the most part this too shall pass with help. "
God can comfort but it is like an obesity problem. Those with it can say it is the devil , ask for Gods help, but if they do not do their part, understand why they crave, take responsibility or even just realize that sometimes there is a physical imbalance like thyroid causing the weight that they struggle with and nothing to do with their choices...God will still be there...the devil may not be...but they will still be obese. And probably still be nice, godly people too. It is never All the devil . We have choices. Some things we do not have any choice in at all. You did NOT choose this. I did not choose it...But God turned it in to good after and I would do it again! You now why? Because I have talked to ten women who would never have told anyone. I make sure it is a part of any convo after a women has a baby. Now I know why I was allowed to struggle a bit more and be forced to understand through counselling...Otherwise I would have never picked up a book on depression or never had a great self image through couselling. God gave us a holistic approach to living.
You will make it. You are NOT crazy. You are Not a pawn of the devil. You are just tired, hormonal, and shut up in the long prairie winter months with a new baby and a toddler! Sounds about right:) Plus you are sweet and sensitive..it tends to happen more to those who are more in tune with their surroundings.
I love you dearly!! This to will pass. God is there even when u do not call out.
Love Kissa
You are a godly woman. You are a strong women. You are beautiful. The perfect size and shape. You are an awesome mom. A patient and determined loving wife. A compassionate friend. You have got the stuff it takes! Your sharing this publicly has inspired and uplifted me:)
I struggled with that for a short while after Anna Kate... as it turns out, my thyroid was a touch hyper and that's what was causing it. They monitored it and it went away on it's own ( I took lots of kelp, iodine and selenium) Not sure what yours is from but I like the verbal rebuke! I remember thinking "if Anna Kate and I just stayed curled up in bed, no one could ever hurt her". I also was terrified of death which is not something I've ever dealt with. I'll pray that you find answers and comfort.
ReplyDeleteLola