Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Mothers Day

I was 4 months pregnant when I got married.
Some people don't know this, and it's a story I recall most this time of year.

This year, my firstborns birthday landed on Mothers Day and as I watched my big 4 yr. old throughout his day, I couldn't help but recall those moments I found out I was pregnant. They were not moments of happiness or joy. There was no congratulations, gentle kiss or soft whispers exchanged between my now, husband and I. We were scared. Mostly of what/how we would tell our family, friends...etc.We were nervous about what it would mean for our lives from then on. We were young, in love and in a 'situation'.
It sucked that first day. And many days after that. People around us were disappointed in our choice to be together before it was right, people were angry we lied and deceived, people were hurt and upset. All of that was justified. We did do these things.

But then,there was also forgiveness,grace, love and acceptance. Something which I am forever thankful.

After the shock of our news become a reality, my husband and I (along with friends and family) got so excited to meet our baby and the fun stuff began. The discussion over names,finding out gender and hospital/birth plans became our everyday conversation. Diapers, blankets and baby shoes filled our home. Strollers, car seat, was amazing! Overwhelming. Awesome.

But I can't help but feel a twinge of guilt that we missed out on the initial joy of becoming parents. From that moment when the pink lines appeared, my life was forever the best way possible. How I wish I had been able to savor and cherish those minutes...I was becoming a mother. 

Let me be clear:
I do not EVER regret my decision to keep that baby.
I do not EVER regret marrying the love of my life.
I do not EVER regret giving up my 'plans/goals' to become a mom.

What I do regret isn't important anymore. It's been dealt with.
And really, for me to wish it had never happened isn't accurate either, because I wouldn't have my son and I can't imagine life without him.

This is just part of my story. (Perhaps I will be more in depth in some other post.) 
It is my journey that brought me where I am today. 
I am a mother. 
He was my first child. The start of a new experience, title, and job for me. 
I'm everyday so thankful for this boy, for my role, for my kids.

I love that this is my life.