5:06 am - little girl wakes up screaming 5:28 am - little girl back to sleep - mommy and daddy WIDE awake.
perfect time for reflections?
my husband and I are currently in a Bible study called "The Peasants Princess" by Mark Driscoll. It is based on Song of Solomon and although the study can be enjoyed by anyone, he is discussing sex in a strictly marital context. It is interesting to me how that book of the Bible seems to be passed over so often. Growing up, I remember many occasions when my friends and I would read through the verses, stopping to giggle that the word "breast" was actually written in the Bible. As far as I can remember, I don't think I've ever heard a sermon based on this book...yet sex seems to be a big part of our society and so much of the reason that marriages are ending sooner these days. Infidelity, immorality, selfishness, etc. Seems we should be talking about it more. This past week we delved a bit into how a man works and the way his mind seems to take visual "snapshots" of beautiful women that they may see. These shots are then stored away and can be recalled at a moments notice (for some men...this is a pretty general statement). He discusses how it is not wrong - and also quite inevitable because of the way they are made- for a man to take notice of other women and their beauty, but it is wrong what is done with those images. I agree...it's all about that second, third, fourth look and so on. But I'm sorry. Does this bother any other woman out there but me? Perhaps it is immaturity, selfishness or simple insecurity, but I don't want my husband to think there are other attractive women out there! I mean, shouldn't I be enough? Even as I write this, I know in my heart that I am enough for him...and he is very respectful in the way he is with women, but it still makes me a bit upset inside. Of course I can tell if another man is good looking or not, but it just seems different for men you know? There are a bunch of things I'm anxious to sit down and chat with God about someday. Some comical for instance: - "Mosquitos? Really?" - "So um the purpose of acne is...?" - "Was it necessary to bless me with two cowlicks and incredibly stubborn hair?"
some more serious: - "why do children and women have to suffer so much pain?" - "how do you allow perverts and murderers to live and cause such destruction?" - "why did you make men so visually stimulated and women so sensitive that we would clash forever and hurt each other again and again?"
Is this just our "lot" to bear in life? Do we have to just always assume that our men of choice are noticing other women? (with or without sin on their part...) Or on the flip side, if this is truly the way things are, how much more should I be conscious of modesty and how I portray myself to other men. Perhaps I am overreacting and acting out of complete selfishness, but I can't imagine that this need to protect my marriage and hold it at a higher standard could be considered selfish...any thoughts?
Most anyone who knows me could tell you that I am not a "tidy" person. My whole life my parents tried in vain to keep some sense of order and neatness in my room. Bribes, rewards, punishments...I could last maybe 2 days and then it was a lost cause. This of course transferred into my married life (lucky Dave). My house is generally pretty neat and tidy, especially if I know people are coming over, but I'm just never going to be the type of person who has a spotless house. It's not me. Not my personality, and not my goal in life(sorry Mom). That being said, I do have a cleaning/laundry schedule that I follow pretty religiously, and I do my best to clean up toys, books and clothes that my son feels the need to throw around the house, throughout the day. I love when my house is clean. I'm proud of how it looks and I want people to see that when they come over; and although it is embarrassing when someone happens upon my doorstep and the dishes are overflowing in the sink and the floor is barely visible under the carpet of toys and things, I would never turn someone away because of my messy dwelling. If you have read previous blogs you would know that our house is kind of a construction zone as we try to remodel and renovate. It's a slow process and often I feel it won't ever be completed. However, this summer is our time to renovate the outside of our home. This means digging out our boardwalk in the backyard, moving our shed, building a new fence, and landscaping/flower gardens throughout the yard. Big job. We decided to tackle it this weekend. Oh the mess...and dirt...and dirty children! After I had finished raking the front yard last night, I decided that we needed to trim the big tree out front thus making even more of a mess, but looking much better in the end. I'm headed out there again to rake and pile and bag and I can't help but think that my life is filled with "mess". Everywhere I look right now I see piles of brush, clothes, toys and cheerios. I get that I have kids and we have goals for our home, but, When does it stop? Does it stop? Should it stop? I don't think so. "Mess" is necessary! Without piles and clutter and garbage and smudges and debris, how do we ever appreciate clean and tidy and neat and polished? Without thunder and lightning and rain, how do we appreciate green and fresh smells and rainbows? Without arguments and tempers and anger, how do we appreciate apologies and love and kindness? Without death and fear and pain and hell, how do we appreciate heaven and grace and life and Jesus?
If everything was "clean" in our life, how would we know what to do with messy? I like this logic. It makes me feel like I'm allowed to be...maybe even supposed to be a mess.
I'm an animal person. I don't like to see animals that are unhappy or being mistreated. Can't usually watch nature shows because I empathize with mothers and babies that are separated or eaten...it's so sad. However, I feel absolutely nothing when I kill a fly...or a wasp...or a mosquito...or a spider. In fact today it probably would have been comical to watch me stalking around my house, flyswatter in hand-on the prowl for the one lonely fly who made the unfortunate decision of coming into my house. I can't stand them! Their buzzing around a window or over your head... The amazing thing is that although my love for the animals of this world is a pretty big deal in my life, I get an amazing satisfaction from killing something that is so small, yet so irritating. I know that God has some kind of purpose for these bugs, but a mosquito? Really? Perhaps before the "fall of man" these bugs coexisted with us very naturally and wonderfully...perhaps in heaven they will again, but right now they are invading my sanctuary...and they must be stopped! To accomplish this though I'm looking for some healthy remedies for stopping this impending attack. Any tips or comments you can leave to encourage this insect genocide would be greatly appreciated. (especially the bees and spiders....yuk!)
I wasn't able to nurse my first baby, so the fact that Sophie breastfed was amazing! However, I really didn't like it and although the pain stopped a very long time ago, I just never enjoyed nursing...or so i thought. For me it was always the plan that I would wean at 6 months because the baby starts solid food then.(and also because I did not enjoy it) I've had to supplement and give Sophie a bottle a few times so I could go out for a date, a shopping day with friends, or something else. I wanted her to be able to take a bottle and she does quite well. The last two days, I have been away from her for almost 8 hours a day because of my involvement in a wedding. This morning she didn't really want me at all and I couldn't believe how sad I felt. I know it isn't "rejection" in the sense that she doesn't want me, but she enjoys the easy flow of the bottle. Still. My little baby is already making choices for herself and my maternal instinct kicks in as if to say "But what I have is so much better for you!". It's starts early doesn't it? This overwhelming need to take control of our children's lives? I did not expect such a reaction from me and it made begin to ponder all things parental. When I was growing up, the rules and boundaries my parents set up for me were to protect me and always in my best interest. But let's be honest, I think all kids know how to break those rules and deviate from the plan. Now as a parent, I often get caught thinking that this won't ever happen to me...I know all the tricks in the book right? ha ha...each generation comes with a whole new set of deceitfulness and "ways out" if you will. So how do you fight it? Do you set forth a Godly example and explain why rules are there, and choose to trust your children's judgment? Do you put a GPS in their car someday or listen in on their phone conversations? Check their email? Look through drawers and closets in their room? Call their teachers ate school to get updates on their status? I don't know...I think kids need to think they are getting away with something, but they also need to be caught if you want them to learn. This is quite a tangent to go on due to the fact that my 5 month old is weaning herself, but I think the two are linked somehow.
I've been singing this song in my head for the last week. Not sure if you know it or have heard it, but if you haven't listen to it! (or read the lyrics)...powerful and uplifting message. One that I think applies to most of my woman friends. I love that I know REAL women. I love that I can be REAL around them and not feel the need for flawless perfection...
REAL LIVE WOMAN
I don't buy the lines in magazines That tell me what I've gotta be Don't base my life on a movie screen Don't fit the mold society has planned
I don't need to be 19-years-old Or starve myself for some weight I'm told Or turn men's heads down that road And I thank God I finally know just who I am
I ain't a movie star They never see the view from where they are And this old town may be as far as I'm goin' What he'll hold tonight in his hands He swears is so much better than Anything this old world can show him
I'm a real live woman In love with this man I see lyin' here next to me Lost in the way that he's holdin' This real live woman In the arms of a man where I'll fall asleep knowin' there's Nothin' on earth he loves more than This real live woman
I work 9-5 and I can't relate To millionaires who somehow fate Has smiled upon and fortune made their Common lives a better place to be
And I no longer justify Reasons for the way that I behave I offer no apologies For the things that I believe and say And I like it that way
Cause I'm a real live woman In love with this man I see lyin' here next to me Lost in the way that he's holdin' This real live woman In the arms of a man where I'll fall asleep knowin' there's Nothin' on earth he loves more than This real live woman
I'm not too sure what to write about today...maybe that means I shouldn't be writing, but just felt the itch this morning. Hmm...things in my life lately have been great! My kids are lovely and for the most part, well behaved(we are working on it). Dave is back at work and although I miss him during the day, it just seems better to have a "routine" again if you will. My mind seems to be slowing down in regards to the paranoia I spoke about earlier. It definitely makes it easier to live day to day without the craziness of my imagination. Summer is fast approaching and though I'm excited for the warm weather, it also brings some sadness as I have to say goodbye to 3 friends that are moving on. They will be so missed as each of them is such a pillar of kindness, wisdom and joy. I'm happy for them in this new transition though and wish them all the best. It does make me wish it was our turn, but I know it is not the right time yet...oh this little town has so many reasons to stay! We've been reading two books lately. Love and Respect and Stuff Christians Like. The first is a marriage book that breaks down how women need to feel love from their husbands, and men want respect from their wives. We are finding it very insightful and picking up on some ways to improve our marriage (not that it is bad, just everyone can use a little touch up right?). The second is very different. Jonathan Acuff is sarcastic and humorous in his discussion of the Christian faith and things that we all do, but maybe don't talk about. Some of his chapter titles for example are: Finding Typos in the Worship Music Disguising Gossip as Prayer Subtly Finding Out if you Drink Beer Too, and Being Slightly Offended that the Pastor has a Nicer Car Than You Do. Don't get me wrong; he is not dissing or insulting Christians at all, but simply putting a humorous light on some things we may need to "check" ourselves on. It has made Dave and I laugh out loud and also feel convicted at the same time..."sometimes the stuff that comes with faith is funny". Great book! Would love to go for a walk today, but it is supposed to rain, so maybe a baking day in the house would be more beneficial! :)
What is there to know really? I'm just a woman/wife/mother who desperately needs an outlet of creativity and this is where I landed! Thanks for sharing my happiness, frustration, anxiety and insecurities and feel free to leave a comment or two.