I was 4 months pregnant when I got married. Some people don't know this, and it's a story I recall most this time of year.
This year, my firstborns birthday landed on Mothers Day and as I watched my big 4 yr. old throughout his day, I couldn't help but recall those moments I found out I was pregnant. They were not moments of happiness or joy. There was no congratulations, gentle kiss or soft whispers exchanged between my now, husband and I. We were scared. Mostly of what/how we would tell our family, friends...etc.We were nervous about what it would mean for our lives from then on. We were young, in love and in a 'situation'. It sucked that first day. And many days after that. People around us were disappointed in our choice to be together before it was right, people were angry we lied and deceived, people were hurt and upset. All of that was justified. We did do these things.
But then,there was also forgiveness,grace, love and acceptance. Something which I am forever thankful.
After the shock of our news become a reality, my husband and I (along with friends and family) got so excited to meet our baby and the fun stuff began. The discussion over names,finding out gender and hospital/birth plans became our everyday conversation. Diapers, blankets and baby shoes filled our home. Strollers, car seat, clothes....it was amazing! Overwhelming. Awesome.
But I can't help but feel a twinge of guilt that we missed out on the initial joy of becoming parents. From that moment when the pink lines appeared, my life was forever changed...in the best way possible. How I wish I had been able to savor and cherish those minutes...I was becoming a mother.
Let me be clear: I do not EVER regret my decision to keep that baby. I do not EVER regret marrying the love of my life. I do not EVER regret giving up my 'plans/goals' to become a mom.
What I do regret isn't important anymore. It's been dealt with. And really, for me to wish it had never happened isn't accurate either, because I wouldn't have my son and I can't imagine life without him.
This is just part of my story. (Perhaps I will be more in depth in some other post.) It is my journey that brought me where I am today. I am a mother. He was my first child. The start of a new experience, title, and job for me. I'm everyday so thankful for this boy, for my role, for my kids.
My husband is sending me to see my sister for 5 days next week.
To say I'm excited is an understatement.
To say I need a re-charge is bang on. I'm so happy to go!
I feel guilty. And anxious. And sad.
How can I leave my kids?
Or my life...or take from the (already tight!) family budget for a 'just me' trip.
On the other hand, how wonderful it will be to spend time with long ago and cherished friends. To have uninterrupted days, chats, coffee with my sister and brother. To connect and relax.
And to sleep.
I'm so very thankful and I so appreciate being spoiled by way of a trip. But wow...will I miss these faces?
And this one....:)
It's good though. It's a great thing.
My husband is beyond excited to spend so much time with his children and maybe they need a break from me as well. (I can be a bit much at times...)
Will miss them but, will enjoy my time away as well.
The struggles of being a wife/mother...
I wonder at how you 'know' when you are finished having kids. You see the chubby, smudgy faces before you and somehow you know...this is the extent of my family. These are the faces I hope to see for years to come. Just these.
What does it mean to say "I'm done"? What does that feel like? Look like? Is it even our decision? I truly believe that if we are supposed to have more, the One who gave me the freedom to decide, would make that known to us...
And, is it selfish for me to weigh the pros and cons between 3 or 4, when some struggle and wait for just 1?
I was surrounded by lovely, bulging/swollen bellies this past weekend. Dear friends all at different stages of pregnancy and family. One is awaiting her first; one her second; and one her third. They were radiant, glowing, exhausted, sore, uncomfortable....but all with such love and maternal expectation in their eyes.
We have said no to that. We are content with the sweet family we have been given.
And yet.....I will miss it.
I will miss the moving in my belly, the battle of the perfect name, the excitement of new life and anticipation of sweet babe.
The smell of them seconds after they arrive...
Maybe the yearning never goes away.
Maybe it is their to constantly remind us of the great, awesome and overwhelming gift we have been given.
Malia was 6 mo. on the 12th. Hard to believe so much time has passed since that sweet girl has come into our lives. She is such a blessing and I am so thankful for her each day.
Sophie is refusing to potty train. Many attempts. Few successes. More fails. I'm pretty sure this means she is just not ready, but I wish she was. I know I need to be patient and let her do it in her own time, but I'm ready to stop changing her bum.
Connor and I have been doing "school" each day to prepare him for preschool in the fall. We count, spell and recently started doing pattern work and a bit or math(computer game). He is SO ready and I'm very excited to watch him enter a totally new stage. I can't wait for him to come home and tell me all the cool things he did in class.
Dave is loving his job as carpenter, father and husband. He is so amazing with the kids and they are so excited to see him every day when he comes home. He and Connor are reading through the Narnia collection. So sweet for them to have that special time each night. (He and Sophie read too, but nothing quite that long.)
And me, well I would say after baby #3 and 2 moves, I am finally getting into a schedule/rhythm of my own. Laundry, cleaning, chores, quality time with kids, quality time with husband....it seems to be coming together a bit more.
Resolutions? I'm challenging myself to pray more and work out every day. (although since working out every day, have recently torn a muscle in my chest - thought I was having a heart attack the pain was so bad - and am currently trying to recover from that. Ouch!).
What is there to know really? I'm just a woman/wife/mother who desperately needs an outlet of creativity and this is where I landed! Thanks for sharing my happiness, frustration, anxiety and insecurities and feel free to leave a comment or two.