the freedom to be different...

To look at me you might not see it.

It hides underneath.

I put on clothes, makeup and most days, do my hair so of course it would go unnoticed.

But deep within..

What only my husband and children see...I'm a bit of a freak.

Oh it's not neatness or organizational...

Not even autobiographical or psychological...

But it's there. My difference.

And so in the spirit of - honesty - I will bear my soul. My darkest secrets.

I will let the freak flag fly!

1. I listen to Christmas music all year round. It's my cozy feeling in February, my relaxing chills in summer and my holiday magic when the snow falls. It's my happiness when the sun stays out for only 7 hours, and my secret delight when I meet others who share my guilty pleasure. It's a "me" thing.

2. I like chips. Chips and dip to be exact. Really if you can dip anything, I like it. I purposefully go into the grocery store and tell myself "you don't need chips or dip, you DON'T need chips and dip" but somehow, mysteriously, they end up in my cart, and then in my bag, and before I know it, my stomach. But here's the weird thing - I don't feel guilty! I love it! It's yummy and it tastes good and it's sooooo worth it!

3. I have blue and white plates. Dinner and salad plates. And regardless of whether they are in my cupboard or I'm washing them, I stack them every other color. I can't help it! Sometimes I don't even realize I'm doing it!

4. I pick hair off people's clothes. Strangers, close friends, doesn't matter. It's a sickness.

5. I will watch a musical just to see my favorite songs, then promptly rewind the song and watch it over...many times doing the actions from the movie, or special ones I've made up just for me.

6. I am a completely different size than I was when I got married only 3 years ago. (shocking I know) I look at pictures and barely recognize myself. Freaky no?

7. I'm terrible at telling jokes. Sarcasm I have mastered for many years now, but jokes? Forget about it. Sometimes even a knock-knock can fail me miserably.

8. I love to share food, but will not take bites of someone else's meal. My husband has tried in vain to get me to "just try" whatever he ordered, but I will resist everytime. I don't take bites...but please, try some of mine!

9. I have to sleep with my bare feet out of the covers. I could be winter camping in the Alps with temperatures well below freezing, and my bare feet would be poking out of my sleeping bag.

Of course there are more, lots more I'm sure, but take these few.

We are talking in my moms' group lately about our children's uniqueness and how to channel that as mothers when things they do may be irritating or overwhelming. It made me think of some of my eccentric ways and unique behaviour.

I am woman, hear me roar! But I'm also so much more. The lady underneath...the mystery.

The total weirdness.

He gives and takes away...

Last month I lost something.
It was ...
Emotional.
Unreal.
Devastating.
Heart breaking.
Painful.

I've heard of others who have lost, and I always wondered how I would react. It was different than I thought and yet - the same.
I cried.
Pondered.
Wondered.
Hoped it wasn't true.

But it was.
How could I miss something that I had only 6 weeks?
How do you go on knowing what was lost?
Why is grieving so hard and plaguing me still?

Because before I knew, I loved.
I wanted.
I cherished.
I was thrilled.

Now to go on seems unfair; disloyal. To start over feels like a betrayal to this memory.

But life goes on. It has to. And all we can do is anticipate our first meeting in another place.
Someday.

...and they call it "puppy love"...

My brother recently got married and is it ever cute to watch the two of them interact. The loving looks, lots of touching(always PG of course) and the way all of their flaws and bad habits seem somehow "cute" to the other one.

The first time I heard my husband snore, I remember thinking, "Ah..he is so tired! How sweet!" Now he's lucky to get one small snort out before my elbow meets his rib in a firm, yet loving way. Ha...when does that change? How fast things can go from "cute" to "irritating" in those first few months.

They are so in love, so I know that even though the small things will become big and all of a sudden it's a big deal which side of the roll the toilet paper hangs down, they will get through it. They will become better for it and it will bring them closer. I'm so happy for them and excited to watch their love grow. :)
AH...young love!

will he need therapy?

How do you apologize to a 2 yr. old?

My husband and I were talking tonight about our son Connor and it kinda hit us...we've given him a bad rep. Everywhere we go its, "Oh Connor is a brat...he's disobedient, he's not a nice kid, he's a treasure." And now, people seem to expect him to be bad whenever he is around. Of course we have our struggles, our moments, our days, our minutes...but he really is a sweet boy. He loves his sister, and Dada, and Mama. He loves to sing "Sunshine Mountain, Jesus Loves Me, The Itsy Bitsy Spider and Running Over", (with all the actions). He dances with me and giggles when I tickle him. He could have someone read to him for hours without moving. He loves pointing out every single car, truck or bus we see. (and I mean every one!). He gets crazy excited about his "duice" and treats and when I pray with him at night, he clasps his chubby hands together and says "en" for Amen.
He's the first. My first child, teether, walker and 2 yr. old, and already I've made mistakes with him that I don't care to admit. How is that possible in only 2 years?
This isn't a tribute, or guilt ridden post so much as I just needed someone to know that I'm sorry. I talk with friends about my frustrations and irritations, but I just never thought that would affect how people treat/view him. Everyone needs to vent right? It's human. And in the same way, every mother defends and protects what is hers, so here I go.
If you know us, please be patient. Please allow him to be 2. Please understand that WE do give consequences and that he will understand if he does something wrong. Please let him be a boy. Let him make mistakes. But overall, please don't judge him on something I've said in weakness or annoyance.
He is one of the 3 loves of my life and I wouldn't trade him for anything.

my resolution - a few months late...

I was recently talking with a friend of mine about weight, love handles and general/overall flabbiness. The joys of woman/mother hood. Isn't it great ladies? I am less concerned with an actual "goal weight" and more concerned with how I feel in the clothes I own. Right now? I don't feel awesome...time for a change. I wish I lived closer to a big city gym where I could attend aerobic and spin classes, because other people motivate me to work out. I exercise daily, but just don't really push myself. (Plus I'm not sure a good brisk walk counts for anything when you come home and proceed to eat cookies, chocolate and chips by the handful.) So I've decided to cut out certain things in my diet. Starting NOW I am fasting from pop, chips and chocolate. (my goal is to go one week at a time and keep adding weeks and see how I do.) And next week I am taking up running.
Now to those that know me best, the thought of me doing any kind of strenuous activity may seem comical...perhaps even impossible, but I am resolved! And you will all be keeping me accountable on this. (even if no one reads it, I will know that I don't want to admit failure and that will spur me forward).
Many of my friends are runners and by that I mean...marathon! I'm at a slow jog/speed walk level, so honestly this should be interesting! I plan to run in the evenings or mornings(fewer people to actually witness this roly poly body swishing this way and that) and I have a jogging buddy who has agreed to come with and help me attain this goal.
I will let you know how it goes!
Regardless of what our goals in life are, isn't it great when you reach them? Such a mixture of pride and accomplishment. Feelings of fulfillment and satisfaction...I'm so looking forward to that!
*On a side note though - what is jogging etiquette? When you work out with a friend is it appropriate to listen to music? Do you have to talk? Do you discuss how many blocks you will go? Hair up or down? Gum or no gum? Water bottles? Is it weird to dress similar? Shorts? Pants? Tank or tee?
Any help on this would be appreciated!

lately...

temptation...

Gooey, sticky, yummy cinnamon buns...
Chic, crisp, trendy new clothes...
Sleek, classy, quiet new vehicles...
Spacious, painted, out-of-our-price-range homes...
Toned, size 2, tanned bodies...
Shiny, soft, styled hair...

Have any of these things tempted or made you envious? They certainly have for me(especially the food ones).
What would it be like to constantly be content and happy with what you have, how you look and where you are in life?
How would that play out?
Can you recall instances in your life when you struggled with discontent, envy and temptation? Did other areas of your life suffer because of your selfishness?
So often we are reminded to be grateful and thankful with what we have; and yet drive by a nice house, go to the mall or watch tv and BOOM - insecurity and inadequacy.
Temptation.
Perhaps one of the reasons behind debt, divorce and general unhappiness. Oh if only we could look beyond what we could have and really see what it is we do. A house, working vehicle, healthy family, God, love and relationships. But alas...we fall so short and it happens over and over again.