As moving day approaches, I'm discovering that instead of clinging to loved ones here in town, I am pulling away. Strange because I don't do it purposefully, and yet it happens time after time. I keep asking "Why?" and after getting no reply, have come to my own conclusions.
- this may be my personal way of coping with the move. I know there will be distance and connections lost, so perhaps this is my way of dealing with it early?
- I have a feeling of "whats the point?" when my mind thinks of starting a new group/study, approaching a new friend, or attending an event.
- I've been sick for over 2 weeks now, and on top of being pregnant, I just seem to have no energy to do "extra's".
hmm... I think the biggest reason though, is my discouragement. The fact that no one has rented our house yet, really has me feeling anxious for a few reasons.
- Financially: we can make it work to pay for two houses, but we really don't want to do that. Our living would be tight and we would love to just have the means to explore our new city and not feel money pressed. It is just putting stress on both of us right now and only adding to the problem I mentioned before.
- Emotionally/Mentally: This one is the big one. Our entire journey to move to this new place has been so "heaven sent". Every step of the way we have felt God leading and opening doors and just confirming that this is the right step for us...until now. I'm not saying God can't do amazing things still or that He has failed us; but it keeps replaying over and over in my mind that maybe we aren't supposed to be going? Again, I know that those thoughts are not from God and so I am angry at myself for not having adequate faith and trust in my Creator.
sigh...it's a vicious cycle. My doubting and worry only make me upset in my horrible ability to put God in a box and say, "It can't be done!".
I know it can.
I know He will provide.
I know I need to stop thinking, and start trusting.
I know we will be alright.
This is not the attitude I envisioned having 3 weeks before we leave. I'm just asking for prayer my friends. I seek a happy heart, and a life full of faith, trust and love. I ache already for how lonely it will be for a time and how I will miss those here. I want to enjoy them while I can.
Psalms Week 1 : An Introduction
2 years ago
Hi:) Hope you feel well soon! I know what you mean about pulling away. I think I've even done the same with friends that I know are leaving (and I'm the one left). I was thinking about your house...what if you posted pictures of it on fb or on here (almost like you were selling) and gave some info about it? I think word of mouth from fb friends, and pictures may help a rental pehaps. Just an idea.
ReplyDeleteYou are already in my thoughts and prayers but I understand your pulling away, it's a defense mechanism. Whether it is you or a friend who is leaving, it's hard and sometimes we pull away without meaning to do it because it's the only way we feel we can protect ourselves. If you just need a hug or an encouraging word, I'm just across the parking lot more often than not and I always have spare ones. You are loved and will be greatly missed!!
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