a lovegift

Today the air was crisp, the sun was warm, and the sky was a perfect mix of blue and white, wispy clouds. I decided a walk was a mandatory experience and dragged my two kids outdoors. Usually walks go very well with my children. Connor loves to be outside and Sophie, although she protests to begin with, falls asleep and just enjoys the ride. We started off really well, but somewhere between Gramma and Grampa not being home, and Connor wanting to be carried instead of pushed, we experienced a full blown meltdown. 45 minutes later, we had only progressed two blocks down the street and out of pure frustration, I sat down and joined my children in a good cry. No I didn't ball or stomp my feet, or shriek at the top of my lungs, but there were a few hot tears falling down my cheek. 30 minutes later we arrived home and I found an envelope that someone had left on our doorstep and assuming it was a card, put it on the table and got the kids to bed. After taking some time to sit and recoop, I remembered the envelope, and went to open it. (I should maybe put it out there that my husband has not been working since January because of school, and now surgery and money has been tight. We've been doing ok, but after discovering that our tax return -that we were counting on- would be a considerable smaller amount than we planned, we were kinda trusting God to give us wisdom with the money that we do have now. ) When I opened it, I found that some anonymous donor, had left us money and the tears fell freely once more. It is so easy to say "we are trusting God" but quite another thing to actually practice it. He never ceases to provide for us, and yet so many times I've looked at Dave and said, "How are we going to do this?".
How do you properly thank someone when you don't know who they are?
How do you sing praise to a God that you constantly doubt and forget to trust when times are tough?
How do you accept another's generosity and love?
It's humbling, and moving and incredibly heartfelt and although this person may never read this blog, I thank you. From the bottom of my heart...your gift of love put diapers on my kids bums, groceries in the cupboard and hope in our hearts!

I'm a homebody. Always have been, always will be. I like to be at home with my fam. It's comfortable and cozy and I'm surrounded by love, kisses and cuddles. That being said, I love to be out as well. Friends and a social life outside my home are important, BUT I love to come home.

I woke up the other morning and found my 2 yr. old asleep on the floor, beside my 4 mo. old's playpen. What a precious sight to behold first thing in the morning! I love that they are sharing a room now - (even though they get up WAY earlier than before) - because I think it is bonding for them. They wake up and see each other first thing in the morning. They talk to each other, laugh, cry, and often Connor will put toys and books in Sophie's playpen...very cute.
I remember when I was younger, I didn't like being along at night. It wasn't that I was scared of the dark so much... I was just lonely. I didn't want to be on my own. I missed the companionship of my siblings. (One of the great things, for me, about being married is never having an empty bed! :)
I hope for my kids to be friends...really friends. I know that they will have fights, arguments and tough times, but I hope they always have a connection.

Since having Sophie, I've been struggling with something rather weird...paranoia and dark,twisty thoughts. To put it bluntly, I'm scared alot. Visions of me getting raped, or our house being robbed, or my kids being harmed seem to plague me throughout the day. I'm not sure why this is happening...perhaps some weird hormone or strain of PPD? I don't know...but it needs to stop. I'm tired of feeling this way.
The thing is...I know I'm not crazy. I'm not psycho and not in danger of hurting myself or others around me. I'm not depressed or emotional...but my mind is just so open to these horrible thoughts! They are not from God...they are right from His enemy.
I heard something so great today at my moms group. A woman, who was struggling with similar problems, would vocally rebuke the voice of the enemy by saying, "I only respond to the voice of my Father". WOW. I was blown away. I was so inspired and so ready to not think the way I have been, that I'm putting it into practice immediately...what a great lesson for us though right? I mean, how often are our minds just filled with a spiritual battle. What voice wins the most? I'm so happy to know that God would not fill my mind with worries, doubts or fears...and now I can proudly call out to Him and rebuke His enemies...

I only respond to the voice of my Father...I only respond to the voice of my Savior...my Master...my Jesus!

Thank you Lord for this comfort today!

Today I was reminded of how amazing it is to fellowship with women.
We laugh,
we share stories,
often we get serious,
sometimes we gossip,
sometimes we sit in silence and watch our children play.

I think God really had it right when he made women...lol...and men too of course. But women, I don't know...they just GET other women.

We can relate.
We can complain.
We can share confidences.
We trust.
We lift up(or we should).
We encourage.
We bond.

And because we bond we...

notice when we've been absent,
we get jealous when others take that time from us,
we protect that bond,
we stand up for that bond,
we come to depend on it!

I so appreciate my women friends and the bond we have created! Thanks for trusting me enough to be a true friend!

I remember...

I remember when a pimple was my biggest concern for the day...
I remember when it mattered if my hair was highlighted, dyed, straight or curly...
Now, I remember friends of mine with cancer or harsh treatments and they have no hair...I guess I can be thankful mine is clean!

I remember when I wondered if I would ever find "the right guy"...
I remember getting my heart broken and breaking others...
But, I remember the first time I saw Dave...he was laughing, and I knew...

I remember when I didn't have love handles, stretch marks or wiggly thighs...
I remember when I didn't have to change my diet to achieve the previous statement...
But, I remember being pregnant and giving birth to my children...I think I can handle a change in what I eat. :)

I remember having no financial worries or debt...
I remember spending my paycheck on clothes and makeup...
But, I remember going to school and getting my diploma, buying a house, a car...it was worth it.

I remember making big mistakes...
I remember hurting those close to me...
I remember crying until my head ached...
But NOW I look in the mirror and see the woman I've become...
And I remember that forgiveness is something that God gives when we need it.

What do you remember?

"I'm growing in front of you...!"

At this time of year with all the yummy goodies, snacks, huge meals and warm drinks - doesn't it make you so happy to eat? It sure does for me! Even when I'm not hungry, there is always something to snack on...and it always tastes so good! In our society, "they" will try and tell you that you shouldn't eat, shouldn't indulge...you'll gain weight! You aren't quite as attractive if you have love handles or flabby arms. Maybe thats true. Maybe "they" are right? I don't NEED to eat as often as I do, and I certainly don't NEED most of what I consume. It's a treat. But from one woman to another (or man if you are reading this) I love it! I love eating! :) ...just try and stop me...

Baby weight loss has been put on hold this holiday season and calories here I come! :)

(If you happen to see me in January, please try to downplay your reaction to my physical appearance as this New Year will also bring a new workout regime!)

(It's Christmas...let me have my fun?)

"People...
people who need people.
They're the luckiest people in the world..."

Sing it Barbara.

I'm one of those people. I love others. Love socializing. Love to be loved.
So knowing this about myself, now that ALL (thats right, I said ALL) of my social calendar has been put on hold until after the New Year, I find myself counting the hours of my day. Boredom? Not quite. Frustrated? Almost. Lonely? Bang on sister!
But the question is...why? Why do I let myself feel sorry for me and be lonely the whole day through? I could call someone...I could go to someone's house. I have friends that love me and care about me enough to make my day a little less lonely...so what stops me? To be honest, most days it's vanity. I haven't showered or done my makeup...or my house is a disaster and I don't want someone thinking I can't handle my tiny little house. But some days, it goes a bit deeper. My head says "so-and-so doesn't want to spend time with you. What could you have to offer to the conversation anyways?" So I don't call. Don't invite.
How silly! I can't blame anyone but myself. Perhaps I sense a New Years Resolution to be more aggressively social? Or maybe this time is good for me. Maybe I'm just going stir crazy because it's winter and I haven't been outside in a while.
I feel cooped in.
I have no solution to this problem...just needed to finally write out my thoughts and how I'm feeling. I'm sure everyone has at one time, felt this way. My heart goes out to you. And if there is anyone who feels this way now...you know where to find me. If you don't mind bedhead, dirty dishes and perhaps the odd un-covered pimple...come on over.